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July 16, 2012



  1. a nocturnal mammal, Orycteropus afer, the sole member of its family ( Orycteropodidae) and order ( Tubulidentata). It inhabits the grasslands of Africa, has long ears and snout, and feeds on termites Also called: ant bear

I was innocently minding my own business as I walked through the park at the end of my road. Alright, it was nineteen minutes past three in the morning – that unholy time of night saved for wretches and people on night shifts!- and I had climbed over the locked gate – what bureaucracy that requires the city’s gems locked from her eager populace! – to gain entry, but still. I was innocently minding my own business-  merely engaging in light trespass against that unjust local bylaw number 334  – when I stumbled upon a scene of horror and madness. I do not know how I kept my sanity – I know that I lost my underpants, the attractive paisley y-fronts that were my favourite of the time – I had to leave them before I lost more than my pants, the aforementioned paisley ones. There, in the gloom produced by a wan moon filtering through the trees, turning the world into a glum tapestry of greys, I turned, expecting nothing more dangerous or squamous than a common lesser spotted hedgehog. I saw it. A dread indescribable horror, that struck cold terror in my soul – a picnic of Aardvarks! One with those posh hampers and glasses of wine and real plates, not those awful plastic ones that clutter the modern picnic, but proper pottery plates that harked back to a gentler, politer time. Gentle reader, I ran from the dead, button eyes that peered from above waving tubes.

I believed that I had escaped with my sanity and my life, if not my paisley pants, were it not for the visions. An aardvark on my bookcase, with half moon glasses reading my own Dick Francis collection. An aardvark, doing the washing up in a floral pinny in my previously empty kitchen. An aardvark sitting on my chest at night, completing the Time Cryptic crossword. An aardvark handing me a carving knife. An aardvark handing me my grandfathers shot-gun. An aardvark standing behind me right now, as I peer over the ledge of the rood of the twenty eight floor building. Always their long snouts waving, waving at me, their cool coal black eyes staring… I do not know how much I can take… Jump he says wordlessly. Jump he says using his snout to semaphore a basic pattern of dots and dashes that I recognise from my boy scout days… Gentle Reader, I jumped….

Next entry’s noun:

Ba –


  1. (Egyptian mythology) the soul, represented as a bird with a human head.
  2. the chemical symbol for barium
  3. (Scottish) the stuffed leather ball used in these games

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